Put your setting in its place
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday December 20, 2008

One of the great traditions at this time of year is a festive holiday meal. While the meal varies from one family to the next, traditions persist within each one.

Some always have turkey, some have ham, and some have roast beef.

No matter what we eat, the table is set as beautifully as possible with our finest linens, often linens that have been handed down through the generations, and our best glasses and china and silverware. Most of us try to make it a special event.

In this column I want to outline how to set a traditional formal holiday table. I recently taught a seminar on The Art of the Dinner Table, where a number of questions were asked – and answered.

First, you need to select the table based on the number of guests. In some cases, a second table is needed. We often refer to this as the children’s table, even though there may be no children. If there are children at the dinner, they can be seated at the second table or mixed in with adults. However, keep in mind isolating them does not help them learn what the holiday meal is about. Make sure you have the requisite number of chairs. It is not unusual to borrow chairs and even a table from friends and/or family.

Secondly, select a table cloth to cover the table. If you use a lace table cloth, I suggest using a cloth or pad underneath to soak up spills and protect the table.

This will also keep the tablecloth from slipping.

Then, decide on napkins. I find that 100-per-cent cotton or linen napkins are the best for absorption and gentleness. Paper napkins work well, too, followed by those polyester napkins popular in many restaurants today, which are non-absorbent and rough on the skin.

Thirdly, your meal determines the silverware you need. Forks, knives and spoons are used starting from the outside of the place setting and moving in, course after course. Put out only the silverware needed for each course.

Knife blades point in and are placed on the righthand side of the setting, along with whatever spoons are needed. The forks are placed on the left side.

Dessert fork and spoon are placed at the top of the setting, unless you want to lay them down when dessert is served or on the underplate of finger bowls.

All glasses are placed above the knives and descend to the right in reverse order of use. If you are using a butter plate, it goes to the left of or slightly above and left of the forks.

Fourthly, a plate at the place setting adds elegance to a holiday table. This is known as a charger or lay plate. It is a great time to use those special plates with the gold border that don’t go in the dishwasher or that you can’t risk breaking. The first course is served on a separate plate and placed on top of the lay plate. After the first course, the lay plate and first-course plate are removed.

I don’t like putting out coffee cups until dessert is served. They take up extra room and it resembles banquet service, which is not elegant.

Finally, centrepieces and candles add the final touch. Centerpieces should be low enough so people can see over them. Candles should be tall and new. Be sure to burn each candle for a minute and blow it out as it makes it far easier to light when the time comes.

Now your holiday table is complete. It can be set a day ahead and, if you involve the children, it helps teach them this important skill.

To keep the work less daunting during the meal, I know of a couple of families who enlist the help of each guest. Tasks are written on bits of paper and put in a hat; each guest picks one out.

It can be as simple as clearing the soup plates or serving the red wine and keeping an eye on the gravy boats.

This greatly relieves the host and hostess from handling every duty. After all, they have already gone to a lot of trouble to prepare a bountiful meal. It also goes a long way in fostering family spirit where respect for one another is perhaps the most important tradition to pass from one generation to the next.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.