Pass along the gift of gratitude
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday December 6, 2008

I was lucky enough to spend American Thanksgiving this year with my partner's family in Connecticut. It's a large, fun-loving group with about 20 immediate family members. One of the highlights for me was to see how the nieces and nephews are becoming delightful children and young adults.

The youngest is now seven years old. I have always enjoyed her. We were having traditional leftover turkey sandwiches on the Friday following the feast when, in her pixie-like way, Courtney said, "Now I want to go around the table and hear what everyone is most thankful for."

This child understood what it meant to be thankful and she cared enough to want to know what everyone had to say. She captured everyone's attention and took command of the conversation. That is a moment I will not soon forget. This wonderful child summed up the true meaning of Thanksgiving in an innocent and heartfelt way.

I remember going to a different Thanksgiving celebration where a political discussion deteriorated into one revealing hatred and bigotry in the family's value system.

When confronted with "And this is what you're teaching your children?" the question was tossed aside with a flippant "Whatever." That stopped the meal in its tracks.

Having been involved in teaching tolerance, I was repulsed. To speak so ignorantly in this day and age is inexcusable. What made this all the more remarkable was that children were present. The comments were surprising because this was not the way this family had been raised.

To witness this was unacceptable to us. We got up from the table and left.

As you might imagine, there were gasps. But by the next day, everyone agreed we had done the right thing. Was it rude to the host and hostess? Perhaps it was. Was it rude to the other guests? No, it really wasn't. It was the right thing to do because a belief system that preaches hatred, bigotry and intolerance is not acceptable. To sit back and ignore it means we condone these prejudices and enable it to continue. Breaking such a fetid pattern isn't going to be popular or welcomed, but pointing out intolerance is a necessity.

Holidays bring families together. It is a time for including people in our lives. For many, this time of year is fraught with depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. And for those who are without family, the season can be extraordinarily difficult.

It is a time when traditional family values are passed from one generation to another. Parents can take this opportunity to teach moral and ethical principles to their children. Take the time to explain the meanings of the traditions we follow. Every family has its idiosyncrasies, not one is perfect, but there are lots of positive behaviours we can pass along.

It's important to remember what the holidays symbolize for each of us. For me, strengthening family ties, exchanging small gifts to express our love for one another and showing thanks for our good fortune is important.

By good fortune, I am not referring to tangible assets. I listened to Oprah Winfrey on the radio the other day as she interviewed a woman about her gratitude journal. The woman explained that she writes down what she is grateful for and suggested others try it too.

Before long you can amass quite a long list. The holiday season is not the only time of year we should show gratitude, develop strong bonds with family and exchange tokens of our love; but it is the time of year to punctuate these important virtues in our lives.

Let us remind ourselves of our many blessings.

A good tip for the holiday dinner table is to speak kindly to one another. Show respect for all human beings and for the planet and all of its creatures. Resist being swallowed up in self-importance and the necessity of being right. Listen carefully to what others have to say. Avoid controversial subjects such as politics and mean-spirited gossip.

And always remember that when you show respect for others you are showing them that you have respect for yourself as well.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.