Leaders in etiquette, not quite
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday November 15, 2008

I was privileged to attend the recent Ideas Festival here in St. Andrews. It was a remarkable few days as I had the chance to meet an amazing array of leaders in fields such as journalism, filmmaking, publishing, music, corporate leadership, education and politics. I also met with the young leaders who were part of a project on leadership development and innovative thinking. Tim Coates, executive director of 21inc., and Don Dennison, executive director of the New Brunswick Business Council, brought together the conference speakers and pulled together industry leaders as sponsors of this inaugural event, which left an indelible mark on me.

For those of you who know me well, this happens to me far too infrequently. I have been passionate about youth development as well as provincial sustainability since I moved here 15 years ago. And these three days helped confirm for me that we in New Brunswick are advancing in a positive direction.

This conference also gave me the opportunity to observe people interacting with one another in several contexts. I preface my comments by saying that nowhere is it more important to be civil, have good manners and understand certain protocols than in the arena of leadership. This festival demonstrated to me that my chosen profession has a future.

I remember one young man sitting next to me at lunch one day and commenting that because he was sitting next to "the etiquette guy" that he would pay close attention to my every move. Perhaps he was paying attention but there was no apparent attempt to emulate such things as posture, how to handle cutlery or use a napkin, sit down or excuse oneself from the table. As I looked around the table I could see that some of the soft skills so important to grasp to become tomorrow's polished leaders were sadly lacking. Nonetheless, we had lively conversations about the festival and how much we were enjoying ourselves. Wielding cutlery deftly would have produced a less distracting background and added an air of professionalism.

Another person accosted the event's host to ask, "What are you trying to sell here?-" implying there was an ulterior motive to the conference. And if that weren't bad enough, he felt obliged to berate another attendee for wearing a kilt. The young, proud man of Scottish descent tore a strip off the offender and sent him on his way. Mean-spirited remarks are uncalled for at any time and certainly never in a public forum where such remarks can be overheard. Perhaps the gentleman thought he was being funny. I hope so. But one of the fundamentals of building business relationships is to curb your humour until you know the other people better. Not everyone shares the same views and humour can come off as offensive.

And then there was the rather vociferous person who plunked himself down beside two people who were engaged in a somewhat private conversation. Clearly the two people in conversation were surprised and felt intruded upon. They politely asked him if there was anything they could help him with. He replied, "No, I just like to eavesdrop." I think they were as flabbergasted as I am in writing it. This is an example of total disrespect for others. At a conference where there are 200 people, all leaders, discussing various topics privately or in groups, respect of one another's space must always be a priority.

This points to another cornerstone of building business relationships. If you want to introduce yourself into a group of people, try to choose a group of three or four or more people engaged in what looks like an open conversation. Avoid interrupting two people who are obviously engaged in a more private discourse. This intrusion not only disrupts their trains of thought but it blacklists you from any chance of building any kind of future relationship with them.

Acting with civility and showing respect for your peers and your mentors will greatly improve your chances of becoming a community leader and a mentor yourself.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.