Don't ask for ketchup
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday November 1, 2008

I am writing to express my dismay. After I worked hard to share a meal with people, I was insulted and hurt by what I witnessed and heard at the dinner table.

Your input is welcome, of course.

Do you have any ketchup? This is a question no host/hostess ever wants to hear as he or she is about to serve a well-planned and well-executed dinner. Nor is it a question to be asked during the meal. It seems that some people do not get the opportunity to eat breakfast, lunch, supper or dinner "out." We lapse and before we are even aware our table manners no longer exist.

If you are invited out, please think about how you ought to behave. Don't blow your nose into a well-used handkerchief at the table with everyone eating. If you are served something that you do not care for, don't eat it and don't comment about your dislike. If something is served with a serving utensil, use the utensil to put the food on your plate. And use the cutlery provided to consume your food.

If you do not care for the assortment of tea offered, politely ask the host/hostess if there might be another variety available. Again, keep your critiques to yourself. What we do in commenting about our dislikes is to bring too much unnecessary baggage to the table. If you insist on behaving badly, stay home. What everyone must think about is that there is a lot of work that goes into creating a meal which the host/hostess wants to be pleasing to all guests. Ah, there's the operative word: you are a guest and for this reason alone you ought to be on your best behaviour. Leave the quirks, idiosyncrasies and bad manners at home if you have accepted an invitation, particularly if you ever want a return engagement.

Signed, a Disappointed Host.

Dear Disappointed,

Thanks for your observations. Being a gracious guest is very important. Preparing a meal for friends and family is time-consuming and expensive. Be sure to let your hostess know well ahead of the party if you have any allergies.

A good host will take great care in designing a menu, whether it be for an afternoon tea party or a more formal dinner, to please his guests. I disagree with asking for another variety of tea other than what is offered. It's not far from asking for ketchup. Sometimes it's best to simply be thankful for what is provided. On the other hand, a good host wants to please and will most likely ask his guests if there is anything else anyone would like or need. That is the time to ask for a condiment or sharper knife, etc. It is also a great time to be enthusiastically appreciative. Give a fun toast thanking the host and hostess for the chance to be together. If the party is for a special occasion and the assembled group is not likely to be together again for a long time, give a toast to "this magic moment in time" as a close friend of mine does.

If there is something served to you that you don't like, try moving it around the plate a bit. At least that way, it looks like you tried it.

And you are quite right in stating that you should not comment about your dislikes. Meals are times where lively discussions and happy thoughts are exchanged. Guests should avoid controversial topics such as politics and religion (although that is nigh unto impossible so close to this most exciting U.S. election). However, there are plenty of topics for dinner table discussion and, of course, with an interesting group of people, there are sure to be life stories and anecdotes to share.

If you have a coughing or sneezing attack, excuse yourself from the table until it has passed. I am famous for my 14-sneeze episodes. I know when it's starting and simply excuse myself and go to the washroom. Coughing and sneezing at the table is not only disruptive but is disrespectful of other guests who don't want your germs on their food. And be sure to wash your hands well before returning to the table. Coughing and sneezing is the fastest way to spread germs during the flu and cold season and shaking hands is next. Be considerate of others at the table and everyone will have the enjoyable time so wished for by the host.

A gathering of people is meant to bring us together as polite, well mannered individuals. Just follow a few sage bits of advice about proper etiquette and you will be invited back.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.