The joy of praise
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday September 20th, 2008

I was recently playing a friendly round of golf with a gentleman for whom I have great respect. We discuss my columns from time to time and, as he has a genuine interest in proper etiquette and protocol, he suggested a topic. In golf, we often praise others by saying "good shot" or something of the equivalent. In my case, I'm happy to see the ball advancing in a forward direction, so "well, it's getting closer" is better than "you're still away." But the topic of praise and the appropriate use of it was what my friend was getting at. He suggested that instilling the idea of praising someone, whether partner or opponent, is an essential part of sportsmanship. And I quite agree with him. It is important to teach this to our children and those who are put in our trust. It is one of those soft skills which make it possible for us to advance as a society. It does take some effort. It is not a natural human quality, so we must teach it both at home and at school.

I enjoy watching many competitive sports both live and on television. I had the opportunity to walk around the Algonquin Golf Course this summer following some of the top amateur players competing in The Barrett Amateur, sponsored by the Barretts of Woodstock. Many of the players knew each other, but many did not. Even so, when a player hit a good shot, he was acknowledged by his fellow competitors. This sort of sportsmanship is evident on the tennis court at Wimbledon or the U.S. Open as well. Learning how to do this at an early age is important in building character and shows a well-developed sense of self-confidence and respect for others.

In business, praise is an important way for employees to have productive workers. Positive reinforcement has never done any harm. People like doing business with, or working for, people they like. Affirming the work someone is doing goes a long way in having them like you. It makes it far easier to give constructive criticism when necessary as well. Praise is validation. Validation is one thing that people like more than anything.

But every coin has two sides. There is something known as a backhanded or left-handed compliment. This is also known as "damning with faint praise" and linguistically is known as an asteism. By definition, this means polite irony or a genteel and ingenious manner of deriding another. Examples include referring to someone as "pleasant enough" or to a work of art as "interesting."

Another part of the flip side is giving false praise. This can be confusing to the recipient. Take, for example, telling someone they've done a good job when they haven't. This might be an attempt to build confidence in another person, but it reinforces poor behaviour and habits. For those of us who have dogs, this is evident. It is important to keep things simple, clear and consistent when training a puppy. This is conveyed with tone of voice, the look in your eye and your body language. Dogs may be more sensitive to this because it is the way they communicate; however, we as humans also react to these signals.

Too often we say things we think are clever or amusing, but which are insulting. This seems to happen most often and most successfully in the political arena. That's to be expected there. But it is not appropriate in polite society. We must be ever mindful of what we say. If anyone is guilty of this, it would be me. I blurt things out which I wish I could retract. I'm sure some of the readers of this column can relate. But when the horse is out of the barn, there's no point to closing the barn door.

So, to me, praise is an important way to communicate our good feelings to another person. We should do it when it is appropriate and it is a good thing to seek out those opportunities. If we open our eyes to the good things that are happening around us, we will find plenty of chances to pat someone on the back, or even give them a leg up. By validating people when they have truly done something good, which in reality is probably quite often, it makes them feel better about themselves and about you.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.