Say thank you, often
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday September 13th, 2008

Six months have come and gone since my first column on etiquette was published. I am grateful for all the positive feedback I've received as well as ideas for additional columns. So I am taking this opportunity to say thank you and to discuss the etiquette behind saying thank you. The first thank-you notes I wrote were for Christmas presents. My mother, sister and I would sit down the day after Christmas with our boxes of notecards and lists of gifts. Everyone who had given us a gift received a handwritten thank-you note. This at first seemed like a daunting task for an eight-year-old, but as the years rolled by it became a routine we looked forward to. Learning to compose a note that had some personality was the challenge. Penmanship was also important. Cards with mistakes had to be discarded and begun anew. In this day and age when handwriting has taken a back seat to the computer, penmanship is atrocious. Even students in high school can barely write their names in a legible way. Nonetheless, I have received numerous heartfelt notes from students which mean a great deal to me. And because they are so personal, I know the gratitude the students felt was sincere.

There are many times when writing a note of thanks is important. There is a certain feeling of warmth one gets from writing them. You should send a thank-you note when you are given a gift, sent flowers, asked to lunch or dinner, invited for a weekend, asked to a concert or performance or when someone does something nice or helpful in a business or social situation such as an introduction or letter of reference. I write far too few thank-you notes. However, I do make a point of phoning soon after an occasion such as dinner. People appreciate knowing that the effort that went into cooking dinner and the camaraderie of the time spent together with friends was genuinely enjoyed.

In her recent book, 101 Ways to Say Thank You, Kelly Browne gives excellent examples of what to say in such notes. It has great tips on buying stationary, superlative words to use in a note and many helpful suggestions.

I find thank-you notes strengthen friendships and relationships, especially in business situations which are just budding. When someone extends themselves to celebrate a happy occasion, lend a helping hand, make an introduction for you or acknowledge a difficult time, take the time to write a note. It takes only a few minutes. Thank-you notes can be purchased at a stationary store or, in the case of St. Andrews, at some of the local gift shops. Some of the highest quality stationary is sold by Crane & Company in the U.S. They have an excellent website and have a wide variety of cards and stationary which can be personally engraved. You can buy notecards at the dollar store, as well, so there's not a lot of expense required to accomplish this mission.

In business situations, thank-you notes can be sent via e-mail. It is a matter of discretion, however, and a handwritten or typed note may serve your purposes better. Whatever you decide, be sure the note is sincere and includes a reference to the purpose of your meeting. If you are sending a note to an interviewer from whom you want a job, be sure not to send a gift. In most companies as well as in government, there are policies against accepting gifts.

In the case of weddings, thank-you notes are essential and must be handwritten. And there is no reason why the bride needs to be the sole writer. The groom should share in that responsibility. Be sure that as you open your presents that someone records the gift and the sender. For wedding presents which arrive in the post, one trick is to cut off the return address from the package and attach it to the gift or gift card. Be sure you keep a list and as each thank-you note is written, check it off the list.

The most important thing to remember is to say thank you often. There are so many more occasions to verbally express your gratitude to another person than there will be reasons for a handwritten note. Use the phone if you want to. Speak directly to the person to whom you are grateful. I know of no one who says thank you too often. Say it with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact. This will go a long way to show the respect you have for others and for yourself.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.