A wedding is in the details
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday August 9th, 2008

Summer is one time of year when weddings are the talk of the town. I am personally helping with two this month. There are so many details to look after, and the protocol and etiquette surrounding these grand affairs is complex. A wedding is perhaps one of the most, if not the most important event of one's life. It can also be and usually is one of the most stressful events of one's life, even if it is well organized. In this column I would like to address some of the elements involved in a traditional marriage ceremony where the bride and groom are marrying for the first time. Variations on this theme will be handled in future columns.

Every detail revolving around any wedding exists to achieve one goal - the happiness and joy of the bride and groom on their wedding day. The grander and more formal a wedding, the more people are required for the planning and execution and the more time is needed. Simpler, informal weddings can be hastily arranged if need be and usually the bride and groom can handle the arrangements themselves. But even in these simpler affairs there will be someone to stand up for the bride and someone to stand up for the groom, usually referred to as maid of honour and best man. These are the two witnesses required for a wedding. It is their responsibility to work out all of the details well in advance and make sure tasks are assigned so that the bride and groom can have a carefree time.

One of the first elements that needs to be sorted out is the finances. This will dictate the size and scope of the wedding and reception. Because many people are marrying later in life, the couple may well pay for their own wedding. Even when one or both of the families are able to contribute to the wedding expenses, simpler weddings are often preferred. The days of white tails and elaborate sit-down dinners are part of the past. The enormous cost of putting on a large wedding is often transferred to a down payment on a house or toward paying off a student loan or other debt.

Once the number of guests has been determined, the size of the wedding party can be decided. In the case of a church wedding, the groomsmen act as ushers. They escort and seat guests and are present for anything unexpected. The bridesmaids help with flowers, bouquets, procedures in the church, dressing the bride and making sure the flower girls are happy and well rehearsed.

No matter the size of the wedding, it is a good idea to consult with someone outside of the immediate family to make sure all the bases have been covered. I sat down a few weeks ago with a bride-to-be who had a very detailed list of things she needed to do. She had done a really thorough job. However, when we started to go through how the day of the wedding would unfold, hour by hour, new tasks began to emerge. Questions such as who would be toasting the bride and groom, when and where the wedding cake would be cut, how many bottles of champagne needed to be ordered, etc., etc. A fresh set of eyes can be very helpful. There are professional wedding planners who are real lifesavers.

One of the most expensive parts of a wedding can be the flowers. We hosted a wedding at the Windsor House several years ago and the flowers were one of the most costly elements (even more expensive than the food). Mind you, the boutonnieres, bouquet and arrangements were fantastic. I am not suggesting artificial flowers are an option, because, really they are not. But the more lead time you have, the better selection will be available to you.

Working with a good local flower shop is always the best choice. Call the florist to ask what sort of lead time is needed. Some lavish weddings may require placing orders a year in advance. Less lavish weddings, with local wildflowers, can be elegant and may require less notice. The choices are endless. The main thing is to make sure these details are well planned and properly executed.

I've just barely scratched the surface in dealing with this vast subject. I will write further columns on weddings as the questions come in. Handling wedding invitations and announcements, reception venues, receiving lines and so on are just a few of the many interesting elements of a wedding which, when handled with correct etiquette and protocol, make an event work seamlessly.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.