What a waiter shouldn't do
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday August 2nd, 2008

I recently received this letter from a reader and thought it would make the basis for a good column on fine dining. We are lucky to have some good restaurants in St. Andrews; some are, in fact, excellent. However, service can vary enormously and there are a few ways you, as a restaurant patron, can ensure an optimal dining experience.

Dear Etiquette Guy,

While at a fine restaurant, enjoying beverages and watching a sunset, the waiter brought us the menus. He returned three times to inquire about our order while we were on the first beverage with our menus in front of us. After our appetizers arrived, there was no place to put the menus so we stacked them at the end of the table. The waiter returned for the fourth time to inquire about our order. He informed us that the universal sign for a waiter to take orders is when the menus are stacked. Yet he came to our table three times when the menus were still in front of us. Please critique and provide protocol for fine dining. We are world travellers and quite accustomed to dining in private clubs as well as elegant restaurants. This was a unique experience.

Sincerely, Ron

Dear Ron,

Thanks for taking the time to share this experience with me. It can be very frustrating dealing with self-important wait staff. This is clearly the case here because stacking menus is not a universal sign. Your waiter was not in tune with what you wanted as a fine dining experience and may have been more focused on flipping the table within a certain time frame. In this case, I would have made it clear that you wanted to enjoy your cocktail and appetizers for a little while and you would let him know when you were ready to order. It is the waiter's job to read the room, so to speak, and know what each of his or her customer's needs are. More times than not, however, the wait staff don't understand this. In today's economy more and more restaurants are trimming staff to try to keep expenses in check. This means that each waiter must take care of more people. As a result, service is poor. You may have noticed, as have I, that restaurants do not give discounts for poor service. As a well travelled person who enjoys great food, you also know that the experience is as important as the meal. In this case it is up to you to share in the responsibility of the success of that experience. Be clear about your expectations. Explain them to the head waiter or other wait staff the moment you sense a problem. This will go a long way in making your meal a treat.

By the way, it is completely out of line for a waiter to "educate" a diner about steps of service unless called upon to do so by the client. I hope this helps.

Sincerely, Jay

When dining out, both host and guest have duties to carry out to make for a first-rate experience. If you are the host, make sure the head waiter knows that. It is your responsibility to make any special arrangements ahead of arriving, such as table selection, place cards, party favours, special desserts, etc. Make sure the staff is clear on who will be paying the bill and do it quietly, out of view of your guests. In the event that a group of friends is going to split a bill, make this clear to the waiter before you order. This avoids a lot of confusion at the end of the meal.

Any difficulties or problems should be pointed out to your group's host or hostess. They are paying the bill, after all, and are responsible for resolving any issues. Hopefully none will arise, but the odd spilled glass of wine or dropped fork or overdone or underdone piece of meat does occur.

As for universal signs, there are only two. One is where you place your napkin (which I covered in a previous column); and the other is where you place your fork and knife when either resting or when finished your meal (which I will cover in an upcoming column).

Being a participant in your fine dining experience goes a long way to ensuring your enjoyment and that of your guests. It also shows respect to your guests as well as to the wait staff, which, in turn, shows self-respect and self-confidence. Bon appétit!

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.