Put settings in their place
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday April 12, 2008

A couple of years ago, I received a phone call from a lady in St. Andrews asking if I might be willing to teach a short class in table manners at a local church to some youth. That's one of those rhetorical questions that end in the word "yes." Actually I was delighted there was an interest in the subject and that someone, anyone, had confidence that I might be the one to lead the young group through the jungle of silverware savvy and other questions. So, of course I accepted the kind invitation and challenge.

When the day arrived I walked down the steps to the basement of the church to face a group of 10 young girls and boys who most likely would have rather been almost anywhere else. They were aged 10 to 15 and sat quietly and politely wondering what might happen. I was actually wondering the same thing as I wasn't totally (or even a little bit) prepared to make the much anticipated presentation. There were two ladies there to assist me in any way they could and to chaperone the merry band of youth should they rise up in revolt and decide they really did want to be somewhere else.

I wondered what to do and then the light bulb suddenly, finally and thankfully went off. I unfolded a card table and went into the kitchen and brought out one of each kind of knife, fork, spoon, plate, cup and saucer that I could find. I dealt these various utensils and dishes out to the "eager" participants and asked them one at a time to place them on the table where they thought they belonged. It was a curious arrangement to say the least. So, I asked them if any of them had ever seen a table set that way. They all agreed, now eagerly in earnest, that "no, they hadn't".

I gave them a chance to go up and rearrange one piece at a time. After each person had done so, the place setting had gone from bad to worse. So I gathered up this mass of construction and laid it out as it was meant to be. I carefully explained how I had done this and why it was the way it was, what each piece was used for and how to hold it, etc.

I then dismantled the whole thing and set it aside and decided to field questions. Now, they really were engaged and asked a real cross-section of questions ranging from legitimate to "bathroom." I took that as a compliment actually and felt they were comfortable enough to ask me questions they would never ask at home without fear of some form of discipline. After answering all of their questions to their satisfaction and group laughter, I said, "OK, now it's time to set the table again!" I redealt the assorted objects of dining pleasure and asked them to place them where they thought they should go. To my utter amazement, they did it perfectly, even down to the detail of making sure everything lined up one thumb's length from the edge of the table (now you know where "rule of thumb" comes from). I asked them all to stand and give themselves a hand. Thus ended a very successful afternoon and, to this day, the youth say hi to me when we cross paths - what a nice feeling for me.

Fast forward to one of the final weeks of the Windsor House. A group of about eight ladies from Rothesay who had frequented the establishment over the years decided to have one final slumber party. (You know who you are!) I had set up for breakfast in one room and the first couple of them came down and asked if they could sit in a different room. They even offered to reset the tables themselves. (Do you see where this is going?) I agreed, of course, and when I went back to see their handywork, I was reminded of the first crack at setting the table that the youth had demonstrated. Mind you, all that was required was taking one place setting and moving it to a different table. But the setup was obviously lost in translation. Whoa, I said, and carefully replaced the cutlery as it had been originally and correctly set. Astonished, they kindly thanked me for showing them how to set the table.

Which leads me to this week's etiquette question. How does one set a table correctly? First of all, remember the initials BMW. They stand for bread, meal, and water. That's the way the plates and glasses are placed. Next, the napkin goes in the centre or to the left of the forks. The forks are placed to the left of where the plate will go and the knives and spoons to the right. Dessert fork and spoon are above the plate and if you are serving a course requiring a seafood fork, it is often placed inside the bowl of the soup spoon or else on the plate with which that course is being served. Wine glasses are placed to the right of the water goblet which is placed directly above the dinner knife. They are arranged so that the wine served first goes into the goblet to the far right. Work your way from outside in with both glasses and cutlery. Remember not to use cutlery for decoration or balance. No extra spoons, etc. People should be able to sit down at a formal dinner and know what they will be eating based on the roadmap the cutlery and stemware indicate. Enjoy your next classy meal and don't steal your neighbour's bread.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.