You did what with your napkin?
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday March 29, 2008

Having managed a fine dining restaurant for eight years, I always had a distinct vantage point from which to watch people dine. One might expect that the more experience one has had dining out at fine restaurants, the better their manners might be. This is not necessarily so. I remember one evening when a well-heeled group of eight people came for a lovely candlelit dinner in our courtyard. They clumsily arranged themselves with husbands and wives seated together and more times than not, women sitting next to each other and men likewise. They unwittingly took bread off of each others plates, passed the butter dish clockwise or even across the table and other assorted gaffs of proper etiquette.

However, I was most struck by the way they handled their napkins. They were waving them around like flags before landing them in their laps. They were using them to wipe off lipstick, mop up spilled red wine and even as a repository for the odd bit of food they didn't want to swallow. One fine gentleman even used it as a handkerchief. At the end of the meal they carefully ground their napkins into the chocolate sauce left on their plates. Sounds really more like a fraternity house than a fine restaurant.

On another occasion, also in our courtyard, I saw the most unique use for a napkin, never seen before by me anywhere else in the world. It was at a birthday party for a lady celebrating her 80th birthday. It was a truly dazzling event with each table decorated to look like a Tiffany gift box. Naturally, the dessert course was an enormous birthday cake formed in the shape of a rabbit. (Guess whose birthday this was.) It was what I call a torched cake as it had 80 candles lit and glowing in the evening darkness. The refined lady approached the cake to blow out the candles carrying her large dinner napkin. Then suddenly, she began to dance around and to twirl the napkin very quickly in a circle at an increasing tempo and the breeze created started to extinguish the candles. This was so impromptu and so imaginative. And, it worked. Within 10 seconds every candle had been blown out. I shall never forget that moment.

This brings me to this week's etiquette question. What is the correct way to use a napkin and what are napkins not used for? In a formal situation, when you are seated, you place your napkin in your lap neatly folded with the fold towards you. It does not go back on the table until the end of the meal - ever. Use the napkin for dabbing your mouth - frequently. If you need to rise from the table for any reason such as giving a toast or using the washroom, place the napkin loosely on your chair and push your chair under the table. At the end of the meal, place your napkin loosely on the left side of your place setting as you rise. Do not neatly refold the napkin, nor put it on your plate. Do not use it as a handkerchief - unless you must catch a sudden sneeze. Men and women should carry a handkerchief with them for such times. If you need to blow your nose, get up and go the washroom. That goes for applying lipstick too. Also, your napkin is not a place to hide a bit of food you cannot swallow. That should be removed from your mouth with your thumb and forefinger and placed on your plate.

So why do we have all of these do's and dont's? This goes back to the very roots of good manners - respect. Imagine the waiter who must handle the napkin. How disgusting to be handling someone's personal hankie. You must always show respect to the staff. And if you are lucky enough to have staff at home, remember that they actually run the household for you. As far as the whole lipstick, red wine and chocolate situations are concerned, think of having to do the laundry at home. Some of those stains are impossible to remove and therefore the napkin must be discarded. I was speaking to a fine restaurant owner about this column recently and she said emphatically, "And what about the napkin!" I wholeheartedly agreed with her. And I said if I saw someone using their napkin as a hankie, I'd give them the napkin at the end of the meal. They have christened it, it should be theirs. In reality, we of course smile, clear the table and launder the used linens hoping not to be infested with germs and hoping, too, that all the stains will in fact come clean. It seems a small thing, but it speaks volumes to the restaurant owners and wait staff when such common courtesies are given. The next time you are dining with linens, know now that you have the napkin thing under control. You will be noticed and respect will be your reward.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.