Park swords at door for Easter supper
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday March 22, 2008

Easter is very early this year. But do you realize just how early it is? In fact, it hasn't been this early since 1913. So I got to thinking, "How do they decide when Easter is"? I found out Easter falls on the first Sunday following the first full moon on or following the vernal equinox (which is fixed on March 21). This year the full moon falls on March 21 and the Sunday following is March 23. March 22 is the earliest date on which Easter can fall. I discovered that from 1700 through 2300, Easter will fall on March 22 only three times (1761, 1818 and 2285). And it falls on March 23 only eight times (1704, 1788, 1845, 1856, 1913, 2008, 2160 and 2228). So, my friends, for almost all of us, this is a once in a lifetime happening.

Easter is one of those few times of the year that brings families together, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. One reader asked me to write a column about difficult family dinners. I think this is an appropriate time to do this, especially because Easter this year falls only two days away from a full moon. I have found that full moons have the ability to show the vulnerable side of people. Hospital emergency rooms can be busier, 911 calls are more frequent, and for me, my patience level can be compromised.

Nonetheless, these holiday times are great opportunities for families to share good times. I know in my own family, from time to time, certain people can be going through challenging times. Sibling rivalries can resurface. There can be feelings of resentment and anger, even jealousy and disgust. But during these holidays, everyone ought to be invited to the festivities. I find it easiest to defer to the wise matriarch of the family to keep the mood upbeat and even safe.

I remember one Easter several years ago when we were invited to someone's house for Easter dinner. Everyone was all dressed up and in a very happy party mode. I knew there was at least one guest who could be problematic. I was asked by our hostess if I would please figure out the seating and arrange the place cards. So I carefully arranged the seating so that the least amount of friction would occur and that the most amount of merriment would result. To make things even more interesting there were two dining tables. I made sure that couples were separated one table from the next, men and women were alternated and small children were seated next to their mothers.

A blessing was said and we all began eating a delicious meal of baked ham and assorted other foods. The host stood and gave a wonderful welcoming toast. As we all were devouring our repast, up stood the guest who could be problematic. He announced in a strong, forceful voice that he would like to propose a toast. The room fell silent.

"I just would like you to know that Ethel (not her real name) and I just got married two months ago." In a knee jerk reaction, we all raised our glasses out of respect and toasted the new couple. Realize that this announcement came as a complete surprise to everyone. Ethel was sitting to my right and was caught completely unaware. No one even knew these two people were dating and both had poor track records for relationships.

Fortunately the matriarch of the family came to the rescue. She said, "Well, all I can say is, 'May good luck be with you.'" And with that we all breathed a sigh of relief and had a good laugh. Naturally we did not want the newlyweds to feel any more embarrassed than they already did. We made the perfunctory congratulations and had a chance to all move back to enjoying our beautiful meal.

This brings me to some points of etiquette to be addressed when there are likely to be some uneasy situations at a family dinner or event. First of all, as host or hostess, avoid the avoidable. Make sure that everything that can be done ahead of time is in fact done. If necessary, tell the different factions ahead of time to remember to park their attitudes at the door. Holiday dinners and other family events are times when truces need to be made and honoured. In olden times, when men carried swords, they were required to leave them at the door to make sure no deaths occurred.

Secondly, make sure seating arrangements are done with the utmost of care keeping disagreeable people clearly separated. Think about inviting a stranger, someone outside of the immediate family. We lovingly refer to them as orphans: those people who have no close family to celebrate with and whose company we enjoy. Like a lovely soft roly-poly puppy, they have some magical power to diffuse any hostilities.

Enjoy this blessed holiday and remember that this is a great opportunity to show heartfelt respect for one another.

► Read this column at the Telegraph Journal online.