Thank you notes and fun winter teas
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday February 28, 2009

A reader sent me this note recently and it offers a couple of ideas to brighten up these seemingly endless winter days.

This column marks the completion of my first full year contributing to Telegraph-Journal's Salon. It is fun and rewarding for me as I hope it will continue to be for you, too.

Hello Jay,

I recently held my annual winter tea, a gathering of 12-plus friends.

When all was said and done I sat down to a wonderful assortment of hostess gifts; it was like Christmas all over again. The problem is no one ever seems to put their names on hostess gifts. When guests arrive I am usually attending to all those last-minute details while at the same time greeting my guests - taking coats, et cetera. Even if a guest makes a point of showing me they are placing their gift on the kitchen table or even handing it to me personally I am often too distracted to make a mental note of which gift bag came from which guest.

While I realize that a hostess gift is a type of thank you itself, I still think it is proper to acknowledge the gift, which is difficult to do without a name. If you are ever addressing a similar issue will you please address this one?

A note about my tea ... every year I try to have a different theme for my guests to participate in. This year, with the poor economy and increased interest in recycling, I asked guests to purchase a complete outfit for the tea with a catch - they were only allowed to shop at second-hand stores. We then held a fashion show and voted for the best shopper and our favourite ensemble. I was amazed at the lovely attire that my guests came in and how much effort they put into the occasion.

Most guests shopped in pairs and returned to town several times to complete their looks. I and a couple of other guests even had more than one outfit to model. I took photos of everyone individually and as a group and emailed copies to each guest that evening. It was such a fun occasion for everyone, me included, and several guests are now converts to buying second-hand clothing.

We live in such a consumer-driven society, and with fashions changing all the time, this was a good lesson in both recycling and saving money. In addition, it was a fabulous way to spend the day with friends, not to mention a proper afternoon tea to boot. - K.L.

Dear K.L.,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on these two subjects. As far as the hostess gifts are concerned, they are not usually accompanied with cards. Gifts of this type are generally not acknowledged other than verbally when first received. A card of thanks for the dinner might well (and properly) follow, however.

Your second subject is somewhat more fascinating to me. Women especially love having tea parties. Your idea of a fashion show using items from second-hand stores is brilliant. It sounds like it could become a regular event and I hope it inspires more folks to be equally creative and frugal. Some of my favourite clothes have come from vintage stores. Fashion does, after all, tend to repeat itself. Many wonderful finds can be had at such stores. I have one friend whose favourite eyeglass frames came from a vintage shop.

As far as tea is concerned, I have noticed that not only are there a growing number of stores that feature a large variety of teas, but the proprietors actually know something about what they are selling.

There are at least three such places in Saint John and here in St. Andrews we have the wonderful Honeybeans. Learning the proper brewing times, properties of various teas and discovering some wonderful recipes for the sweets and savouries that accompany a nice afternoon tea is an adventure in itself. Exploring the subject is fun and not nearly as cumbersome as educating oneself about, say, wines.

There is a civility about a tea party not duplicated elsewhere. It needn't be stiff and formal, but the process is one which has a relaxed elegance about it. Tea parties reflect the qualities we enjoy most about tea: a unique beverage that is both energizing and soothing at the same time.

If discovering more about teas interests you, my friends Shelley and Bruce Richardson and their son Ben at the Elmwood Inn in Kentucky (www.elmwoodinn.com) teach a number of great classes and have a host of books which describe tea ceremonies and rituals around the world as well as recipes for delectable treats which are not impossible to make. Their books and some of their recipes, which can be found online, can open a whole new world to you. Sharing the adventure of trying new recipes can be very rewarding, not to mention delicious. I hope your next tea party is an even bigger success. - Jay

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.