Feb. 14, a date not to be forgotten
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday February 14, 2009

I love the tradition of Valentine's Day cards, which are often sent to people in secret, leaving the recipient wondering with anticipation who had sent the greeting.

Boxes of chocolate are popular ways to express one's sweet affections for a true love. It's interesting to see over the course of a courtship how the boxes actually differ. Take for example when one is just beginning to date someone. What is the message conveyed by the size and showiness of the box, the quality of the chocolates and the timing of the gift?

Not only is the intent interesting but also the recipient's unspoken thoughts. A big red box with a beautiful white bow filled with hand-dipped chocolates and perhaps even adorned with a small bouquet of roses clearly sends the message that this relationship is alive and well and only likely to improve. Or does it?

Is this the sort of gift a man might select if he has recently made a fool of himself? Does he give this if he is hoping desperately to salvage what is left of a strained relationship?

And suppose this is not a dating situation, but a marriage? The large showy gift can mean many different things, but generally the message is 'I love you.'

But what about that small generic box bought at the dollar store? Does that convey a lesser message? I don't think so. After all, it's really the size and the quality of the thought that counts.

The pitfalls occur when the box is not personally handed to the loved one with a big smile and a kiss. Casually leaving it on the counter or dresser as you're slipping out the door will likely land you in hot water. But is that better than no gift at all?

Perhaps, but maybe not.

Children learn a lot about sending loving messages to other people on this day. We all remember our first crush. We just hoped we would still have those same feelings for that person when Valentine's Day came around. Would we sign the card? Or would we chicken out?

We also remember the first year we didn't chicken out. What a thrill giving that first 'real' Valentine card was. It might have even meant more than the first sincere one we received.

Roses are another way in which people demonstrate their devotion. I had one friend email me with a tip of buying flowers a week in advance because it saves a ton of money. That would likely only be thought of by a seasoned veteran.

But then the question arises of why roses anyway? Tulips are colourful and generally less costly. They tend to be more reliable as far as length of bloom and they always open while so many mishandled roses are wont not to do.

And who says you have to give red flowers? I dislike some shades of red and prefer warmer colours such as peach or yellow.

Of course hearts are traditionally and factually red, but hey, this is the 21st century.

Some people go to great lengths to put together rather more thoughtful gifts such as meaningful photo albums. Now this is not the sort of gift a man is likely to conjure up. Flowers, chocolates and a card are really about the limit for him. But a woman thinks differently and the memories of years of family and marriage all gathered together in an album have a lasting quality and a romantic message generally reserved for their domain.

This is also a very popular date to propose marriage. Men can shine here. But this is not a dress rehearsal. Mean it. Time it perfectly. A sincere proposal is as heart-melting and romantic of a moment as any woman can hope for.

Followed by going out to dinner to a favourite restaurant is the icing on the cake. On this special occasion refrain from mentioning previous heart throbs or drinking too much and, for heaven's sake, remember to shower.

I suppose the worst thing of all is forgetting about this day altogether. This is a form of total disregard, one step beyond disrespect. We have all been guilty of forgetting anniversaries, birthdays and other special holidays. This is one of those wonderful days which help us remember the ones we forgot in the past and hopefully won't again.

Valentine's Day evokes goodness toward our fellow human beings with thoughts surrounded by the reds and pinks of flowers, cards and small tokens of our feelings. It is so very nice to have this time to tell another or several others, if we are fortunate enough, how much we love them. The thoughts around this special day involve loving others even more than we love ourselves. I enjoy days like this which are thankfully sprinkled throughout the year to remind us, like punctuation marks, that it is other people for whom we really live.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.