No need to play the blame game
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday January 31, 2009

I am often asked questions that revolve around guilt and blame. Good manners and civility, even though based on common sense, tend to bear their fair share of this topic. I received this letter recently. It is a textbook example of the lengths people go to blame others and avoid feeling guilt as a result of their own basic lack of respect for others, in this case their own family.

Dear Jay,

I was hoping you would lend your impartial ear to this debate between my brother and I. This Saturday was my son's fifth birthday and, earlier in the week, my wife and I decided we would invite the grandparents and uncles (my two brothers) over to celebrate. My son had his own party with his friends in the morning, but we were hoping family could stop in Saturday evening just to socialize a bit. I called my brother on Thursday evening and left a cellphone message asking him to call me. I also left a Facebook message with his girlfriend stating we wanted to get together over the weekend.

He called me back and left a message, but due to some cellphone problems, I didn't received his message. On Saturday, he called me to tell me he had plans Saturday and would not be able to come. He also informed me that he thought it was rude to ask him to Saturday's birthday get-together on Thursday evening. He had plans with his girlfriend and felt that this was not enough advance notice.

It should be mentioned that my brother lives in town and does not work on the weekends.

I thought a Thursday notification was not unreasonable, given that he knew his nephew's birthday was approaching and we have had the family over for every birthday in the past. Again, this was a get-together of just the immediate family and I left my initial message vague because I was willing to negotiate the time of the party. He attempted to reach me a few times by my faulty cellphone, but never spoke with me directly about the matter until Saturday. He could have emailed me at any point and he could have called me via my home phone. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on how this situation unfolded and whether or not I should feel guilty for not informing of him of the get-together before Thursday.

Thanks. - Confused

P.S. I would like to add that my wife and I did not even formulate the plan ourselves until Tuesday or Wednesday. We are both full-time teachers with two young sons, so things sometimes get rather busy and thwart advanced planning.

Dear Confused,

Thanks for asking this important question. You are a master of making excuses. Unfortunately none of them are good. You and your wife are not the first people on the planet to hold down two full-time jobs and have two young children. If this is your son's fifth birthday and you and your wife can't arrange a party until three days prior to the date, why would you assume your brother would have his schedule open for you - simply because you've had such a party in the past? If your cellphone doesn't work, you need to tell people, then get it fixed. No one is a mind reader. Clearly your system of communicating using Facebook, emails and cellphones doesn't work. I suggest picking up the home telephone. Even consider enlisting the help of your parents to track down the errant sibling. But don't blame your brother for your negligence. Let's face it, a birthday party for a five-year-old child will not trump previously made plans with a girlfriend. Such a gathering barely made it onto your own books.

Finally, in life, woulda, coulda, shoulda does not count. Hindsight is an unfair argument. What you must practise is foresight, and try not to create so much ado about nothing.

You must remember that, as the host of a party, it is your sole responsibility to make sure everything runs smoothly. That includes extending invitations in a timely manner.

As far as feeling guilty about all of this, my advice to you is to let it go. Guilt is a huge negative energy drain on all of us who find the need to carry it. You did nothing illegal. You did not harm anyone. Your intentions were good. Learn from this experience and don't do it again. I hope this helps.

- Jay

Let this be a gentle reminder that good manners begin at home. By practising them consistently, you will instill in your children healthy social behaviour. Respecting one another will always stand us in good stead for the challenges life provides us.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.