Patience, respect integral to the etiquette of funerals
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday January 17, 2009

I have recently received a number of questions about funerals.

Here is a sample of some of them:

Hello Jay,

Would you please address funeral parlor visitation etiquette. It has been my experience that visitors often spend too much time reminiscing with the bereaved, especially when there is a lengthy line of people waiting to pay their respects.

I feel that it would be more appropriate after expressing condolences to say, "Let's get together in a few weeks and catch up," instead of talking as others wait their turn.

It may be a sensitive issue, and I don't suppose the parlour staff would be comfortable in "moving things along." What are your thoughts? - J.H.

Dear J.H.

I recently spent a couple of hours at a local funeral parlour speaking with the funeral director and his staff. We discussed, among other things, receiving lines and how long it can take to navigate them.

There are a couple of considerations. First of all, a long receiving line is not comfortable for anyone involved, be it the bereaved or their guests. If there are several family members present at the funeral home, consider not having a line. Family members can circulate amongst the guests and accept condolences on behalf of the family. This avoids unnecessarily long conversations with only one person in a line where it is important to move along as quickly as possible.

As far as receiving lines are concerned, you will have to practice patience. Out of respect, it is your turn to wait.

If you are not prepared for a lengthy line return at a different time; it is disrespectful to think that your needs should be accommodated at a time like this.

Be prepared to be respectful and spend the time needed if it is your intention to pay your respects to the family who has suffered the loss.

Then keep your condolence remarks brief and move along through the receiving line. - Jay

Dear Jay,

Close friends of ours recently lost their young son very unexpectedly.

At the services I noticed people handing envelopes to the family. My parents told me that people donate money to the family to help with funeral costs. Should I do the same? How much is appropriate? - Phyllis

Dear Phyllis,

What a very sad situation. There are many ways people can assist at such times. Helping with the cost of a funeral is completely appropriate. Other envelopes might simply be condolence cards or, in the case of a Catholic death, Mass cards.

If the family has asked for donations to a charity in lieu of flowers, that is another option and will be appreciated by the bereaved. Naturally, what you can afford to give is contingent on your financial situation. There is no specific amount that is correct. You could also donate to the charity if you are so inclined and able.

Whatever you are able to do will not go unnoticed or be taken for granted. I hope this helps. - Jay

Dear Jay,

Is it customary or necessary that a widow write thank you cards in response to sympathy cards? I have received over 50, and to reply would be a very daunting task. -Pat

Dear Pat,

Thanks for asking this good question. In most instances it is polite at some point to acknowledge the cards and letters you have received. This is a daunting task and might takes months. Printed thank you cards are usually supplied by the funeral home and are a way for the family to acknowledge the kindness of people at a very difficult time.

If a charity was named in lieu of flowers, it will give you a list of those who made donations. It is appropriate to acknowledge these people with a hand-written note. I hope this helps. - Jay

Remember that if you go to a funeral or a memorial service respect is the order of the day. Dress appropriately. You do not have to wear black. Children should be dressed appropriately and should be fed and taken to the bathroom before the service.

It also is a chance for us to reflect on the many blessings we have in our own lives and on how fragile life is.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.