The gift of giving without strings: The Etiquette Guy Newspaper Column: John H (Jay) Remer Jr.

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The etiquette guy - by Jay Remer

The gift of giving without strings
JAY REMER
The etiquette guy
Published Saturday January 3, 2009

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Christmas is a magical time of year and the exchange of gifts is a tradition which many people observe. One popular gift is the gift of a bottle of wine. Here are a couple of questions sent in by readers addressing this.

Hi Jay,

I enjoy reading your column and sometimes it has confirmed what I have believed to be proper etiquette.

When I have chosen a wine to serve at my dinner party and a dinner guest brings a bottle of wine, is it OK to keep it for later use? (Especially if it is a better bottle than you are serving!)

Cheers, Sharon

Hi Sharon,

The timing of your question is perfect. I am writing a column about gifts. It is absolutely appropriate to keep the wine and put it in your wine rack for future use. A gift is given with no strings attached; otherwise it isn't really a gift. I think a nice hostess gift for a dinner party is a nice bottle of wine, one which would be considered special.

Part of planning a dinner is the selection of wine to serve. When you take care to select a wine to complement the food you are cooking, it is much appreciated by your guests.

Regards, Jay

Dear Jay,

I host Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas in my family. A relative asked if they could bring anything and, since I have a sprained foot this year, I asked that they bring champagne and wine for 11 adults.

They said, "Sure." At the end of the night, they cornered my housekeeper and asked, "Where's our leftover wine?" She showed them, and they took it! I was shocked and offended. Is this as inappropriate as I think it is?

Thanks, Barbara

Dear Barbara,

Thanks for asking this good question. The worst thing about this is the fact that they cornered your housekeeper. That is never OK. They don't pay your housekeeper. Taking home unopened bottles of wine is not inappropriate. Oftentimes, people assigned with the task of bringing wine will bring extra wine just to make sure there is plenty for everyone.

Taking home open bottles of wine is not only rude and cheap, it is also illegal in most provinces to have open bottles of liquor in your car. The best way to handle this in the future is to communicate beforehand that they should take home any unopened bottles of wine after the meal. This avoids any shocks or surprises. I hope this helps.

Regards, Jay

And then there's the time when someone gives you something you really don't want to keep, as illustrated by the following question:

Dear Jay,

My in-laws bought me a very expensive carpet cleaner for our anniversary. Although I appreciate the gesture, I just don't want it - because we have a toddler and a dog. I'd rather pay someone to clean my carpets (with what they spent I can have them cleaned once a year for four years) and I need a new stovetop.

Would it be totally rude if I return the cleaner and use the credit? They were so excited to give it to me and were very proud of their purchase. I do not want to hurt any feelings. And if I do take it back, how do I tell them?

Denise

Dear Denise,

Thanks for asking this good question. This kind of thing happens frequently and there are a couple of rules to remember. First and foremost: A gift has no strings attached. That means that you have every right to do whatever you want with the gift. Exchanging it for what you can use most effectively is fine. No explanation is in fact required.

However, sometimes families have dynamics which make this awkward. If you anticipate this, have a chat with your husband and let him deal with it. Or, if you have a good relationship, call your mother-in-law and lay it out, not asking for permission, but thanking her for the chance to really help you. I hope this helps.

Jay

And another reader's point of view:

As far as mothers-in-laws and gifts go, let the son straighten it out; she will take offence and make her daughter-in-law miserable. You can bet on it. No, Jay, sometimes you cannot do what you want with what you are given.

- A.R.

My advice is to make sure that when you give a gift, resist attaching strings. When you receive a gift, keep in mind the unspoken feelings the person giving the gift may have. There is always a give-and-take. It is OK to breech protocol occasionally as long as you're being respectful. That is what is most important.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.

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